Plastic Rifle Cases Don't Work Well As Weapons, They Don't Intimidate Very Well

 Disaster

 You may see a very large incongruity between the name of this post and the content, but trust me, there is a unquestionable relationship.

My mom had just left for work like ten minutes ago. I was listening to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" not very loudly, so I could clearly hear the door being fiddled with, and then opened.

So, as far as I knew, there was a total stranger burglarizing one of the bedrooms upstairs. The one directly above mine, by the way.

I was terrified, but not terribly so. I knew that there were a pair of deer-gutting knives (the guy my mom and I live with deer hunts, and so do I) in my closet. So I had defense.

I waited a bit, getting more frightened by the second. And then (I was conversing with one of my friends this entire time) I finally decided to fetch the knives.

There were supposed to be two boxes for hunting under the gun safe (which I do not have the key for). There was only one. Having forgotten what the look-difference between the deer box and the bird box was (I remembered that the bird box was mostly birdshot, so it was heavier), I dragged the big box out (these are metal, military-ish boxes) and struggled to open it. Fifteen to thirty seconds later, I was in.

I lifted the lid, fully expecting to see the white rope for dragging deer and a pair of pocket knife-sheaths on the side.

There were boxes of birdshot.

And that's when the shit really hit the fan.

Chaos

Oh, shit.

I was screwed. I lifted a box or two of birdshot hopefully, but it was just more birdshot.

I was so fucked.

And the mystery man was coming downstairs. Desperate, and presuming the Deer Hunting Box of Life Preserving to be in the gunsafe, I grabbed a plastic rifle case I knew had been empty. I had one last hope there was a rifle inside and I could put some birdshot in there and have a weapon, massive bruising to my eleven-year-old shoulder and birdshot-rifle incongruity be fucked.

The plastic case's only resistance to me was the way it was squished against the gunsafe and the wall of my closet. It was way too light to have a rifle inside.

Fuck.

So I pulled out the riflecase, and laid it against the bed. I hoped the guy could just take whatever the hell he wanted and then leave me alone.

I sort of hoped he'd leave the aquarium alone, but I could get another aquarium. The only fish I couldn't get another of is my five-spined stickleback, and he's a really mean fish anyway.

I heard the washing machine dial being turned. I'm like, "What the fuck?" (Note, I was extremely frightened, and very high on adrenaline [still am to a smaller extent], so I was swearing in my mind, I don't usually swear so profusely) and then I thought, "Well, it might be (guy my mom and I live with whose name I won't say), so I might as well..."

I immediately told two of my friends that if I didn't send them a chat message inside of the next ten minutes, they were to call the police. I don't really know how that'd work, since they live in Sweden and London, respectively, and I only after this incident gave my Swedish friend more details on where I live since I had verified her address with the handy Visitor Map feature on my statcounter account, but if something happened to me, I had no doubt my friends could figure something out, and intercontinental differences could go fuck themselves.

My dog bravely darted out the door, extremely certain that this was the guy my mom and I live with. She peeked in the laundry room, looked around the living room, and then went deeper into the laundry room. (This room is L shaped, with the shorter part of the L the entryway.) She reared up, and began frantically wagging her tail. I was fairly reassured by that, but came around the corner ready to whack with my plastic rifle case.

Confrontation

The mystery man wasn't in front of me close enough to whack; the guy my mom and I live with was attending to a large plant whose name I forgot at the end of the room.

My dog was trying to greet him, and I gave him a couple jabs with my plastic rifle case for good measure. 

"I don't think a plastic rifle case makes a very good weapon," I remarked coolly, right before giving him another jab and a few finger-pokes.

"Yeah," he agreed, before darting away from a finger-poke aimed at his ribcage, "I wasn't very intimidated when you came around the corner with a plastic rifle case."

Thanks, guy-who-my-mom-and-I-live-with. Thaaaaaanks.

It all started with the guy my mom and I live with. He got a blood test today. He took two hours off from work for this.


I thought he'd be home 2-10 minutes early. But he was home an hour early.

And I decided to include the conversation I had with my Swedish friend, with was by far the most interesting at the time.

Motaki: oh crapples

I was going to call home depot and fleetfarm to see if they carried marine plywood today, but now I'm frightened by what could be either my mom or a robber upstairs

or [censored], who was supposed to be a LITTLE early since he took two hours off for a bloodtest from work

-is frightened-

Sunniva: :o

im sure its ok

couldnt it be your dog?

or is she with you?

Motaki: -not so sure-

dog is right here

never upstairs unsupervised xD

-is bunked out in the bedroom with a locked door-

but hey, if bad guys come in here, there's a pair of deer-gutting knives in the closet

:D

(thinking, "If only I had the key to the gun vault..."

Sunniva: haha xD

Motaki: oh fuckshit

the deer hunting box is in the gunsafe, and THEY'RE DOWN HERE

Sunniva: o.o

are breakins common in your area?

Motaki: no?

....and the butcher knives are upstairs, crapshit

Sunniva: maybe you should just call out and ask who it is xD

Motaki: I have an empty guncase. :D

Sunniva: its probably your mom or [censored]

Motaki: ummm well, what if it is a creepy dude

mom or [censored] would've called out for me

:o

and I don't have a fucking cellhpone

>.<

It's awkward typing with a large riflecase under your right armpit

Sunniva: hehe

Motaki: ...is that the washing machine?

if I don't get back to you within ten minutes, call the police and figure something out, kay?

Sunniva: :o

Sent at 1:46 PM on Tuesday

Motaki: ...it was [censored]

xD

Sunniva: haha xD goood

pshhh tell him to call out when he comes home, jerkkk xD

Sent at 1:48 PM on Tuesday

Motaki: he says he did

apparently I took a deep breath that coincided with a loud note of Lady gaga's Born This Way when he said that

Sunniva: xD

sucks